“Department of Wizardry” – A Screenplay

by Jason Wardell & Brian Flynn

INT. CUBE FARM OFFICE – DAY

Two co-workers, DAN and JANE stand by a water cooler. They drink coffee out of well-worn ironic mugs: one with a mustache, one with Garfield.

DAN

So, how are you settling in?

JANE

Just fine, just fine. Everyone has been super nice.

DAN

Cool, well if you ever need anything, I’m here to help.

JANE

Well, there is this one thing. It’s probably obvious, but I’m not exactly sure how to activate my direct deposit.

DAN

Oh, that’s easy! Just talk with Steve. He’s our wizard.

JANE

(laughing)

“Wizard.” Good one! Which department is he in?

DAN

The department of wizardry. He’ll get your direct deposit going in no time. I can show you! Do you have a voided check and some nightshade? Well, I’m sure they have nightshade…

JANE

…wait, wait, wait. There’s seriously a department of wizardry?

DAN

I know. It’s so 2006. We were having some trouble with the outsourced guys, so…

JANE

But wizards aren’t real. We don’t have wizards here. Are they? Do we???

DAN

We do, and they’re as real as you or me! I’m surprised you haven’t seen him around. Tall guy, beard, walks with a cane, wears a robe and wizard hat–

JANE

–oh, THAT Steve!

DAN

You’ve got it! He’s great with direct deposits, scheduling vacation days, souring a cow’s milk, various other hexes. Come on, I’ll show you!

They speed through a standard office building: cubicles, departments, desks, all grey and drab. Bo-ring. They come to a door, labeled “Department of Wizardry” with another sign, Garfield-themed, “Lunch Time. Hands Off the Lasagna!”

DAN

Shoot! Must have just missed him. Sorry about that!

JANE

It’s alright, I guess. I’ll just come back later. To meet with…the wizard?

DAN

No, no no! Let’s just take care of this now. I know where they hang out. C’mon!

JANE

They?

They resume their trek through the office, montage-style. They pass more closed-doors, labeled “Magical Accounting,” followed by “Human and Wizard Resources” and finally “R&D&W.”

JANE

What does the W stand for?

A beat.

JANE

Oh.

CUT TO:

EXT. PICNIC TABLE PAVILION – DAY

A half-dozen WIZARDS, dressed in robes and pointy hats stand around smoking absurdly ornate pipes. They are a mix of men and women, but they all have lengthy beards. They are deep in argument, gesturing wildly. Jane and Dan enter.

WIZARD A

The Hermetical Order of the Tattered Ledger doesn’t have nothin’ over the Anubis Spellblades!

WIZARD B

Feh to your Spellblades! The Order had a stronger IPO!

Dan waves.

DAN

Hey, everyone!

WIZARDS (in unison)

Excelsior!

DAN

Anyone seen Steve around?

WIZARD C

Yeah, he’s down in the cube farm.

He struggles to get a hand out of his robe, making a big show of complicated hand gestures, ultimately pointing toward the door Jane and Dan just entered through.

WIZARD C

Think he was helping a new guy with a direct deposit.

DAN

Just our luck!

JANE

This is incredible. You’re all actual–

DAN

–c’mon!

CUT TO:

INT. CUBE FARM OFFICE

Faster now, they speed through the office past a number of sight gags. A WITCH goes into a room and shuts the door, revealing the sign “Broom Closet.” They pass “Sales,” where an Alec Baldwin-type wizard points at a chalkboard reading “Always Be Conjuring.” Dan and Jane make it back to where they started: no wizards in sight.

DAN

I don’t see him anywhere! Shucks!

They look around. Jane seems entirely bewildered.

DAN

I mean I guess I could just take care of that.

From thin air, Dan pulls out of robe, wizard hat, paperwork.

DAN

So, are you going with our credit union or…

(audio fades out)

…do you have your own thing? It’s a slightly different incantation, but nothing I can’t handle. What’s super tricky is the 401K. You pretty much need a pactbound warlock for that sort of thing. Warlocks, though; ugh.

As Dan fusses with material components for his spell, Jane reaches into her bag and pulls out a nicked and bloody kris dagger, which she secrets behind her back. “Wizard Fight” by Weedeater begins to play as her internal monologue runs.

JANE (V.O.)

My intuition was right. I was starting to feel that I’d broken the cycle, but this is my fate, as it was my mother’s before me, and her mother’s before her. I am a wizard hunter. It is what I was born to do. Even as I don ridiculous garb and attempt to escape to a banal life, my quarry invariably finds its way to me. I can no longer ignore that. Everyone has a job to do, and I suppose this one is mine. God, I hate Mondays.

BLACKOUT: “WIZARD FIGHT”

THE END

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