“Jason and the Jammers and the Detective Agency” – A Sketch to Start the Show

by Jason Wardell, Brian Flynn, & Zach Powers

INT. DAY – ROOSTER AND MOON

OUR THREE HOSTS enter stage right, wearing various instruments. Brian has a 12-string guitar; Jason, a melodica; Zach, a jug. Zach also wears a suit and has a magnifying glass sticking out of his pocket

JASON

Hey everyone! Welcome to Prime Time Good Friends Comedy Show. We are so excited for tonight’s show because we have a HUGE announcement.

BRIAN

We’re starting a band!

ZACH

A band that solves mysteries, Brian!

JASON

OK, OK. We can do both, guys. We’ve been practicing our songs in Old Man Crenshaw’s abandoned carnival for day now, and I think we’re ready to bring our songs of SE-duction and DE-duction to the people. Are you ready, the people?

An appropriate amount of applause.

BRIAN

All right! Here we go. Ready, Jason?

JASON

Excitement!

BRIAN

Ready, Zach?

ZACH

I play a jug.

BRIAN

Easy, killer. Anyway, here’s the first song for THE GUMSHOES! One, two, three, four–

ZACH

–wait, wait. Hold on. We’re not seriously called The Gumshoes, are we?

JASON

Where in the world do you get off naming our band without us?

BRIAN

OK, well I was starting our first song and everything, but sure; what do you think we should be called?

JASON

How about “Jason and the Jammers and the Detective Agency?”

ZACH

For the last time, no.

BRIAN

I don’t care how much your Kickstarter raised.

JASON

Fine. That’s fine. I’ll just use that for my solo proj when I outgrow you wangs.

BRIAN

Zach? Any ideas?

ZACH

How about–oh, I don’t know–Private Dick?

BRIAN

Sure. Fine. Can we play our song now and start the show?

ZACH

That’s another thing. When are we going to start solving some mysteries? You’re always “we need to write more lyrics,” or “this needs a bigger hook,” or “can we play our song now?” I feel like you’ve lost what this was all supposed to be about: solving mysteries and THEN singing songs about us solving mysteries.

JASON

You’ve really lost your way.

BRIAN

Guys. Come on. Really? We’re doing a show right now and this is when you decide to bring this up?

ZACH

Better now than never.

BRIAN

You want a mystery? Fine. Mystery number one: we have never experienced ANY mysteries in our lives. Why would we suddenly be inundated in mysteries the moment we pick up instruments?

ZACH

I always assumed we’d start writing songs once we’d solved a few.

BRIAN

Get with the times, Zach! We’re just a band and we’re not going to solve any mysteries because Bands. Don’t. Solve. Mysteries. BDSM!

ZACH

Well who’s going to solve all the mysteries?

BRIAN

Uh. How about the police?

JASON

The Police are a band…

BRIAN

OK, very funny.

ZACH

Or Interpol!

Zach and Jason laugh. They’ve invented a game.

BRIAN

Stop it.

JASON

How about The Who?

ZACH

The Guess Who.

JASON

Nice!

BRIAN

No.

JASON

Hold on, there has to be a better one.

ZACH

Oh! Question Mark and the Mysterians!

BRIAN
(incensed)

OK, shut up, both of you. Those bands aren’t out there solving crimes. No bands actually solve crimes.

A beat.

JASON

Third Eye Blind helped me find my birth parents.

ZACH
(comforting)

Adoption isn’t a crime, Jason.

BRIAN

Enough! Here’s how this is going to work. We’re the fucking Gumshoes. We play fucking Dixie-Latin Fusion. Got it? I’ve already booked a six-show Dakota tour, so we’re going to bench all talk about solving fucking mysteries.

JASON

Which Dakota?

BRIAN
(hesitant)

South.

ZACH

Oh, you KNOW that’s the least mysterious one! Know what? I think I’m done here. I’m going to get my Jug Bag and go. You guys have fun in your “band.” I hope you get super popular and are never embroiled in any mysteries!

Zach sets his jug down in a huff, storming toward the side room.

ZACH

I can’t believe I airbrushed my van for this!

Exit Zach.

A beat.

Zach enters, covered in blood.

ZACH

Oh my god, you guys. There are two dead bodies over there.

JASON

What! No way!

BRIAN

Oh come on!

ZACH

Yeah, it’s sweet! Go check it out!

Exit Jason.

A beat.

Jason enters, gratuitously covered in blood.

JASON

Wowie! It looks like a murder-suicide! Our first case!

BRIAN

Well, doesn’t a murder-suicide kind of solve itself?

They think about it.

ZACH

Mystery solved!

They all high-five.

SONG: PRIVATE DICK SAVES THE DAY

Oh, we’re so glad we saved the day
We knew that we could solve it.
Private Dick was on the case
No matter what we called it.

We fought about our band name
To skirt around the fact
That solving mysteries is our cause
We should have listened to Zach!

Pri-vate Dick!
We’re three of a kind.
Pri-vate Dick!
And we’ll blow your mind!

Now here’s a tip to take away
Before we start the show,
If you strive to murder-suicide
Private Dick will know!

Pri-vate Dick!
We’ll skip South Dakota.
Pri-vate Dick!
Now, let’s start the show, duh…

Private Dick is on the trail
Of the bad guys’ master plan.
We’ll sing a song about the case
From Zach’s airbrushed vaaaaaan.

JASON

We have a really great show for you tonight!

ZACH

I think your first comic might… kill!

BRIAN + JASON

Oh, Zach!

 

Exeunt.

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